Battle won

8 years, 3 months and 13 days after my mom's battle with cancer began, she finally won tonight. She is at peace and at rest. Praise God for finally bringing her home and making her cancer free once again. Love you momma - forever
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Words I've learned to never say

Never say "things can't get worse." I promise you they probably can. When I woke up this morning, I thought mom cannot get any worse - I could have never imagined my mom like this though. She's skin and bones and now completely unable to speak...yet still fighting.
I've gotten random beautiful gifts today though amidst the pain. This morning, she said what I am sure will be her last words to me. It was 6am and I was alone with her praying before the sun came up - I started to cry and she looked over at me and with complete clarity said "don't cry baby." I haven't heard her speak again today, but randomly when she moans, I've leaned in and said "linds is here momma" and she has managed a smile. I will hold on to these things forever.
The nurse said today her heart is so strong and is working so hard (how true that has been all of mom's life in so many ways.) However, her heart rate has dropped significantly and they can no longer get her blood pressure to even read.
I cannot thank you enough for the thoughts and prayers and constant love you all have been sending our way. Happy mothers day to you all who have been "mothers" to me.
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Reasons to do what we do...

I've seen my mom go through more than anyone ever should. Of course, a lot of this is because she is such a fighter she's still trying to fight. One of her nurses said yesterday that she's been working with hospice for 11 years and have never seen anything like mom.

It is the saddest thing in the world to watch this - the slow deterioration of someone who is only 53 years old and one of the strongest people I've ever known. Cancer robs us all of so much...and no one should EVER have to go through this.

I've been reminded for the past 3 months of why I work where I work and why we do what we do...we must find a cure...AND SOON! (To all my co-workers...my "other family", thank you for the sleepless nights and the tireless efforts. You are my heros and I love you all.)

Mother's Day

It's officially Mother's Day weekend, and this one will probably be the hardest I'll ever have. They've told us not to expect mom to make it through the weeked. She has deteriorated rapidly over the last few days and the confusion has gotten so much worse. Mom called me Jimmy several times today (her brother), and is referring to Carol as 'Mommy'.

She's not throwing up at all, but that's because she has stopped drinking and eating completely. They had to increase her medicine because we literally could not control her. She was trying to get out of the bed and doing crazy things, and even now, when she gets it in her mind to do something, we have to tackle her to keep her from doing it.

I'm being faced with a lot of very tough decisions so my prayer now is that God will be in control and continue to give us all peace and strength.

To my dear sweet friend Holly who has lost her Mom - my heart is with you sweet friend. Try to enjoy your mother's day and let yourself be loved by your sweet baby girl and husband :-). (And I may need this same advice next year). Love to you all...

The Chosen One

I've often said, when talking about Ty, that it is nice to be "the chosen one...however, it is a ver tiring job." He wants me when he is sick or hurting or can't sleep...however, so does my mom. Tonight I realized that I am also mom's "chosen one."

When she is exhuasted at night and so confusd that she is more like my little boy than my mom, she looks to me and gets so upset if I leave because no one seems to be able to calm her down like I do. Carol can't keep her calm because she can't really keep herself calm. Doug definitely can't and even commented tonight on how great my level of patience is...I wanted to say it is because I've done this every single time mom has had surgery and been extremely drugged ---same type of experience just heightened now.

However, just like with Ty, while it is nice to be needed, it is stressful being the only one that can fulfill this role and bring her true comfort when she is in this childlike state.

Thank you to every family member, friend and co-worker that has been praying for mom and for me. You've truly helped me to survive each day...more than you could ever know.

A Smile

Most of my posts lately are really depressing! So I thought I would share another picture and a brief fact...the only time I saw my mom really smile in a week, like in this picture, was on Sunday morning when I brought Ty back to see her. A grandma's love never stops I guess :-)

Week 10

I am not sure why I continue to be surprised by the rollercoaster but each time things get better, I continue to be shocked. Mom had a good weekend with her brother jim and actually got a little bit of an appetite again. She doesn't hold anything down, but she did have some desire again. I saw her yesterday and felt like we were back where we were 2 weeks ago vs last week when I thought she was on deaths door step!

However, things are still getting worse even when we get a little better. I noticed yesterday that her eyes are yellowing and one of the nurses commented on it today. Her liver is starting to fail and jaundice is coming on. Her body is clearly still trying to shut down despite all of her fight to keep it going.

And don't even get me started on her mental state. We've been blessed with a few good hours each day but I was up half the night last night just trying to get her to stay put in the bed - she didn't know where she was or why she wasn't in her room (which she was). I'm grateful for the good time we are having each day though, even if it is only 1 hour.
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